YES...E-DU!!!!!

"I, should catch the bouquet!! "... Stephanie bellows. Her eyes menacingly intended on rebuffing my deliberate ploy to get back at my father.They pierce any ounce of regret I harbored at the time.For a 12 year old, she's the envy of any vivacious woman.You know, the bouncy ones. The know it alls who hop around building castles in the sky raving about Damon Salvatore.Waltzing their way like the golden child of the family? 

Yeah!.. 

Brace yourself, we have a primadonna in our midst. 

I roll my eyes. 

(Yes!!.. You read that correctly. I can hardly believe it myself) 

I slowly slip into a figure four sitting position with my hands wrapped behind my head. 

Ooooh!! ..smell that? Defiance.

Against my better judgement,it certainly feels that way at the time. No one was going to raid my parade. Let alone her. 

This was my 3rd wedding in 3 months.

Calm down, cowboy!... Your enthusiasm is misplaced. 

I wasn't getting hitched (wouldn't that be something) 

Well at least not in this godforsaken place. Last I checked, I was on one knee on the ground floor of Hilton Arcade, the one along Mama Ngina Street, seemingly professing my undying love to this dolly girl I had met 4 months ago. 

I've heard this before and I'll reiterate once again, bad girls are enchanting. 

Guys will probably quash my "hollow thinking." (Feel free to debunk the same and be sure to send me a copy of your book as well.) 

She must have been pregnant with excitement at the time. The kind you get after watching Raiders of The Lost Ark for the first time? Technically but close enough. 

It had been super random.While imbibing some mojitos from a local bar earlier, one thing led to another. My dad absolutely loved this part of the story. I promise. He was tickled pink, as you can imagine. The perfect gift from his loving son. 

I could only cringe at the thought now. 

I had met her at his own 2nd wedding ceremony held at the Maro Gardens in Karen.

(what are the odds?) 

Resurfacing after a bitter divorce, I was primed for a tabula rasa (There there! Don't go hating on me..a clean slate. Now you know) 

I bumped into her while trudging to the bathroom. Hammered like a terrible rendition of Michael Jackson on skates.

Kunywa Edu! It's been a while! 

I could almost hear the guys cheer me on from my college days. A true maverick.Whisking away in glory. 

Our eyes met and I had butterflies in my stomach.

No wait!!..That was the alcohol.

I had to get to the bathroom asap. 

I bundled her to the side and pushed my way through the door and unlike what you see in the movies, I did not make it to the toilet bowl in time. 

Dang!!. 

To think this was the very same lady I'd ask to marry me. 

The cojones amigo!!! 

Nonetheless, she found my inglorious state of affairs rather amusing. Going as far as offering to hold out an imaginary chunk of my hair from my clean shaven head. 

Pure evil, right? 

Yikes!!!..Guys!!! 

This is when you know she's the one!!!! 

Bar the awkwardness, I was definitely on a roll. 

Too soon? 

Drat!!.. Who am I kidding? She was as pie eyed as I was. Explains the alarmingly loud snort with laughter. 

Well children, this is how I met your mother! 

"Women are the worst!!.." echoes my nephew, nudging me with an exaggerated simper looking particularly pleased with himself.

I spring into action.... 

"That is no way to talk about your sister, but you do make a valid point!.." 

My nephew and I had grown eerily close.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm actually a scumbag in my own right.I lost my moral compass as quickly as R. Kelly was the world's greatest.Guess that particular storm is over now. I was the black sheep of the family. Quite simply put, a renegade. 

As you can already tell, I was indifferent.Nonchalant. Tired of being an ass kisser. 

But this!... 

Heck!...The little juvenile even dressed like me. His demeanor underlining the fact that he was becoming more hombre than I ever was. 

Talk about coaching a supernova!!.. 

I was starting to like the rascal. 

There's something about weddings.The aura typically reeks of hypocrisy, masking cynicism with animated bliss. Chuckles and perks of laughter everywhere. And the music, don't even get me started. What happened to not putting the single men and women in attendance through countless guilt trips? Heard they play Afrofusion these days. What's up with the party trains?..It's fine that people want to map out the area, but do it on your own time. No need to work up the crowd about it. Unleashing a plague of the white guy's syndrome on innocent folks who just wanna dance, is just the sight for soar eyes. No?.. Pathetic!..I'm allowed to be upset right? Also, how many times to do you have greet people for Pete's sake?... They tend to have an ear to ear grin glued to their faces.It's some sort of hypnosis. And oh!!.. The snowflakes.The killjoys who only help themselves to at least 3 plates of food and throw a tantrum when they don't get an extra bottle of soda. 

Yeah!!.. Makes 2 of us sweetheart! 

"Did you hear what he said?" 

I lean over towards her. She donned an impassive face fully immersed in her phone. Typing countless emojis to her "bestie" 

I had no idea what I had signed up for. 

Quite frankly I was staring at another divorce but nothing a stroking of the ego couldn't fix. 

She was beating me at my own craft. 

I wanted her attention but this had dragged on long enough. She was hell bent on elevating my stress levels. 

I subconsciously found myself mimicking her facial expression as she continued texting. 

My father hadn't laid eyes on me for nearly 3 years and I was on a mission to sabotage this particular wedding: My sister's. I was the eldest son yet he opted to lock me out of his will to inherit a portion of his estate in favor of his "angelic" butterfaced daughters. 

What better way to do it than to remind him of my adorably, arrogant yet snobbish wife? 

She loathed her!!!.. 

I take a glimpse at my sister whose condescending attitude earned her a front row seat not only at this ceremony but on the party bus to hell as well. I pout my lips in frustration as I extend my arm towards my wife's seat,in a pretentious display of affection.I gently rub her back (gangsta points) which she instantly withdraws and retires to the bathroom in a rather unceremonious fashion. It was a face-palm moment as I shrugged it off with a sheepish smile hiding my clenched fists. I was almost inconsolable when I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. 

 

The band starts to play as the groom makes his way to the podium. I bury my face in my palms. 

"How the mighty have fallen? "