LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!

Ever found yourself tucked in bed at 3am,drowning in some hardcore nostalgia, pirate eyed, bombarded with the assignments of an amateur stalker?

Ears ringing to Kendrick Lamar and SZA (Lest we forget the gorgeousness of this particular lass) Stars : They don't make it sound as surreal anymore.

Why can't we jam to Bruno Mars and his lethargic way of urging people to just chill and haaaang?!!!..

As it turns out I don't feel like doing anything either, Bruno!

Now let's focus on the switching of tabs on our cell phones with the speed of spacecraft operators. Languishing upon pages of delusionment and delirium. This is the hour we manifest our darkside.Chief investigators. These are the guys DCI should be utterly concerned about.The competition for publicity is disconcerting. Bold talk but we are hung up on creeping into our former "acquaintances" Instagram and Whatsapp accounts (Ooh.. Examining those dp photos with little amusement).

 That's right!.. I said it. All in the name of.. What's the word again? Aaah.. Insomnia. Sure!..

If that isn't enough, we unlock a pandora box detailing horrible, horrible and damning photos of the party we absolute deem memorable in our naive discernment.

Hey! they could be okay. Decent to the very least but who are we kidding?..The Nai fest that knocked your socks off, breaking your back so hard, your yoga instructor would be particularly envious.Winding up the crowd like a performing artist. The stamina of a tested warrior.

I wonder what your folks would think!?..All that sideshow wrapped up in an innocent, chubby-cheeked youthful brain. How adorable. Squinting at the worst of the bunch. Dreading the thought of the reaction of your peers or the perplexed cameraman.

Aaaah Finesse!!!!..

There's no stopping the party train these days.The wild ones.They've taken away the political frenzy and replaced it with the "Dance with the Devil or bougie alone" mantra. 

Now don't frown upon this already. If I wanted to preach politics I'd write you a letter. The local Post Office has a painful way of ensuring you get the message. You must be reading this, apathetic and cool as a cucumber. Bear with me.

It's already 5am,Fat joe is now playing. 

Lean back!!!.. 

That track is still a banger!!.. ( Yeah Yeah.. Bite me!.. I'm still learning the ropes.) 

Bobbing my head and lip syncing to greatness. He literally dishes out 4 or 5 shout outs, whilst barking the n-word.A theme before he metes out some lyrical prowess. Hold on a second! Whatever happened to the Taylor Swifts?..

Her relentless yet bold pursuit for her very own Sir Galahad appeared raw but she poured cold water on that narrative as far as I'm concerned. 

I used to scream my heart out to your music, Taylor. That lyric book. 

Ooh Good times!!..Here's the thing though.

For those living under a shed, missing out on her well documented exploits,let's nip the situation in the bud. 

First off she's 5'10 (yeeeeah.. Let's rip out that band aid gently. Take a bow.There's a TALL order, literally. 

I reckon we are off to a fantastic start don't you think?) 

Full credit to her she's drop dead gorgeous but certain whatever magic lamp she's rubbing, the genie is probably running short on enthusiasm.He must be blue with exasperation. Pun intended.Her woes with men is nothing short of a comedy of manners. They've come and gone.If memory serves me correctly, it's not a rodeo without a folk song or two detailing how it went awfully wrong. Harry Styles must have seen that coming. No!?..She definitely knows how to pick them doesn't she? Give her credit though. She even broke the true detective himself, good ol' Matthew McConaughey!!.. That ought to tell you something: She's most certainly no pushover.She's part of the girl power revolution. Now don't go hurling stones at me, I'm an innocent bystander. 

This journey to the West forces me to vividly recall an interesting conversation I had with a certain lady I met in a matatu.Super random. A misunderstanding over busfare seemingly opened the floodgates. How she'd get away with murder and stuff like that.

 Ha!!!.. I had you there!

But now that I ponder through it, I'm not entirely confident she hasn't. 

I'm no saint and my face doesn't work up too much confidence but I'm starting to embrace my new found calling. I swear I've been unleashed. Confession after another beckons. Time for that booth eeh?! 

Geez!.. They need to start paying me already. 

She went about how she's carved out a knack for circumventing plenty of misdeeds at the expense of her clueless husband. Downright outwitting him at every step of the way. 

Her grin was especially alarming! 

"I'm not a bad person you know!.. But sometimes you have to stand up for yourself." 

Feigning ignorance and playing victim. Typical psychopathic behavior. 

No wait!!.. That's too kind. Evil with a tad bit of self righteousness fits the bill perfectly. 

"I beat him up and whacked a few chairs here and there. I would occasionally let out a loud cry so the neighbors set up the perfect alibi. 

The police didn't even listen to him whenever he reported the incidents. 

One time he was forced to pay me ksh.18,000 for damages to my own house!!.."

And the plot thickens folks! 

I was staring into the eyes of a super villain.

Recreated scenes in my head like a forensics expert. Not so long ago, Thanos had us on the brink of despair. I reckon he'd be particularly proud of this one. 

" We eventually separated after I broke him like a toy!..I miss him at times.

(Sinister!... I just shook my head in bewilderment as she spewed bile)

Well good for him....

"Solitude isn't my cup of tea, you know!? I don't know what to do. 

Do I come across as a bad person? "

Ladies and gentlemen!.. How the dragon doesn't kill Jon Snow after he murders Daenerys remains a marvel. But in this case,taking the high road would be nothing short of suicide.Wise restraint. Choose your battles. 

"Oooooh no!... You my lady, are the cutest kitten in the land lady!.. You reek of tenderness and mildness. It's almost surreal. You shouldn't be alone. I can't even begin to fathom your agony.  "

 

Hey Taylor!!.. I knew you were trouble when you walked in. Sounds like the tables have turned and the winds of change have devoured the balance of society. 

You owe me new music. It's the least you could do at this point. 

Fill that Blank Space already!!..